A World Beyond...

The summaries of a maniac-

"It seems almost impossible to move on. No moment in a day must ever be left idle. I'm scared of thinking. Inevitably,I will think of my past. A life with nothing to claim as my own. A career with nothing significant accomplished. A home broken by winds of time,that was better off if not built.
I've answered all of life's challenges with an unprecedented alacrity that very few others know of. Constantly improvising, always learning, ever modest, I've paid my due to learn and get stronger. Today I reflect upon the tumult of anger and sadness I carry. Each day I grow heavier, not knowing if this day is to be my last. If I will collapse of this growing weight one day..and never get up.
A man's home is his refuge, his den, his "place of solace". It seems like a comedy of errors to even look upon my home in a similar manner. Each day begins with cries and shouts of shrill voices that haunt me the rest of the day. Each day ends with cries and shouts of shrill voices that haunt me in my sleep.

In this ambiance created by squalls of painful cries, I turn to the one thing that brings me peace. The only place that lets me escape is the road. It asks not of my purpose, it questions not my intentions; it is glad that I made the time to visit. When I'm happy, I'm led to quiet roads that let me reflect this happiness upon the surreality in nature. When I'm angry, it puts me amongst angrier drivers and I realize how inconsequential my anger is. When I feel low, it takes me to roads when the youth ply, and I rejoice in their frolic.

A few hours each week, on the road, I feel more than human. It is as if this road were a takeoff pad to a world beyond our own. One where it does not matter what religion you are from,to fall in love. Where it does not matter how you worship God, and that you don't worship him at all. Where a passing stranger can wish you a good day and you wish him back, without questioning his ulterior motives. Where women can walk about at anytime of the day, fearless; knowing that men are noble and will fearlessly fight against the few that aren't. Where the stature of a man is not judged by his standing...

On the road, these thoughts let me live a different life. A few minutes each day, a few hours each week, I live a second life; a one I love. Glad to be here, I eagerly await the next days travel, which helps me endure everything I have to face till I do. Its like falling in love, a pain so sweet that we long for it; when sanity is insane and the world profane. Some say that - 'The journey is more important than the destination'. I reverently bow to these people as this seed of truth bears fruit each day despite my torrid life light."

The value of 'good'

It's a bit weird that a post on this blog after such a long duration must have such a boring subject. I guess sometimes it's easier to be boring than it is be be brave. Not exactly opposites are they..? To me they definitely are...

An era has passed me by trying my best to be a good human being. I may have failed more often than I succeeded, but nevertheless I've always tried. It isn't very surprising then that I was given a moniker "Gandhi" by some friends in high school. PUC was also not very different except for a few innocent pranks here and there. Engineering was surprisingly "Gandhian" for me. And even now, I think the behavior has been retained to a large extent,despite me working and living in a city like Bangalore.

So with some spare time on my mind and the devil on my left shoulder ticking away on this lappy,I guess I'll try to find out what I've gained from 'goodness'.

Let's see... Starting off with school. My classmates thought of me as a bore, I hardly had any friends to depend on.. I didn't realize it till now, but a majority of them had a problem with my attempt at sincerity. One of these friends recently told me that it is very made up, artificial. That everything I did to be good at school was an attempt at impressing teachers. hmm... will not dwell on this much. I was this picture perfect christian lad with a good head on my shoulders. I guess that made me do things that the 'others' didn't agree with...

Come PUC, faced with a lot of health issues,that were building up through school days and depression,I decide to give up my religion after many days of intense sessions of soliloquy. I attempted to be 'cool', like my friends... Showed uncommon anger,played pranks on teachers, teased girls, did many such things that were really not 'me'.. At the end of it all, I thought I'd be making some friends at least! That's what they say abt college isn't it? Blend in and you'll make friends.. In my case, that didn't work either. It was thought of as being such an attempt to "fit in" that I had more solitude to ponder over things.

Engineering.. I've spent the holidays really thinking that PUC was stupid and I should instead be myself.. Not the moral goof, but not Mr.Extreme either. I think I'd found middle ground somewhere... I still couldn't help doing the things I wanted to.. I helped out friends with their studies, even made notes for some and helped them whenever I could. Sometimes I fought with parents at home when I would spend days before the exam helping others study instead of preparing myself.
That was kinda stupid, now that I reflect... But how does helping others turn out to be stupid?

People always had problems. And I was the Agony 'Uncle'...! Spent late nights listening to problems, advised, sometimes even meddled with things to make stuff alright... Here's a little thing about human memory. It is selective, choosing the bad as a priority storage over good. People may not remember the times you've helped them, but will surely remember that one birthday you missed,the one angry look you gave. They may forget a thousand apologies, but will always recall when you didn't side with them. And as it turns out, all of my friends here are very 'human'. I don't think it is too much to ask to be grateful. Don't build a shrine in my name and worship me with praise and love. At least treat me well. As much as I deserve. hmm...I asked for too much!

Engineering ends.. Life goes on.. People forget.. Naive as I am, I still keep contact with all of them.. Calls, messages, emails, the works... I remember b'days, call up when I feel someone is low on spirit.. All the needful. Nope...No like response from any quarters...

This was more like the rant of a madman. I guess that's what the blog should be titled instead. It's just my observation that good does not pay. Being good, doing good.. etc are old Victorian values that don't hold a grain of salt in todays world. The value of 'good' is the lives and joys of those who try it. And they pay alright!

A few years down the line,this may all seem overly stupid. But today, this is the summary of life. Be yourself, good or bad doesn't matter really. It may not make others happy, but at least you know this is how life must be lived...